How I feel.

Life is basically a pain the neck.

I don't know what to do anymore... I focus on myself and making my own life good, and I hurt everyone else. I focus on other people and making sure they're okay, and I hurt myself. It's a lose-lose situation.

I'm ready to just give up... like I said in the bulletin I just posted: Maybe I should lock myself in my bedroom and stay there for the rest of my life.

I doubt anybody would care, anyway. I've already hurt most of the people I care about, in some way or another. And for the people I haven't hurt... well, maybe we just haven't noticed something I've done yet. Or it hasn't happened yet... I'm sure it will, with the way my life goes.

I've been reading this book, it's called The Secret. At first, I believed it and thought my life was gonna get better. But now I'm beginning to think maybe it's all a lie. Or maybe it's just me... maybe I repel all good things.

I'm tired of hurting people I care about... I'm tired of being afraid to do anything, of not knowing what to do anymore because everything I do backfires and has some negative effect, whether it's on me or the people around me.

I thought things were looking up... but they weren't. And even if they were, it was only for a little while, just to lull me into a false sense of security.

I think maybe I'll just go lay in my room, listening to music for a little while, staring at the ceiling. So I don't disrupt other people's lives any more than I already have...

House, M.D. is on tonight... it's my favorite show and I could honestly care less about watching it.

Singing is the most important thing in my life... and I don't want to sing right now... or any time soon even. That just goes to show that something's wrong with me.

I'd like to blame it on other people... on the world... on me being sick... but I can't. The only person I can blame is myself, for trusting others and for not knowing better.

So, to all my friends, I'm sorry for anything I've ever done to hurt you and I apologize if I ever hurt you in the future. I love you all for being my friends... even if you don't love me back, or even like me. It's okay, I understand, really I do.

I'm sorry.

I think I'm just gonna go now... so I don't bother you guys anymore. I feel horrible, in many different ways.

Maybe I'll go use my inhaler again, try to regain the ability to breathe.

Maybe I'll go take a nap, try to fight off this sickness.

Or maybe I'll just go take a shower and cry because I'm such a screw-up.

Well, whatever I decide to do... know that I love you guys and I'm sorry for anything I've ever done to you.

Oh, by the way... so much for positive thinking... seems like no matter how positive I am, negative things still happen. I hope positivity works better for you than it does for me.

Honestly? I hope everything is better for you than it is for me... cause right now, life's the pits.

xoxo, kelsi.

P.S. Today's the 29th of January... 17 days till mental breakdown. Be prepared. It's an A-Day... choir should be interesting.

P.P.S. I heard this saying recently... "You're not being punished. You just haven't been rewarded yet." If that's true... my reward must be a darn good one... and it sure is taking a long time to get here...