Wow. I haven't been here since... January? Does that mean I'm a liar? I mean, I did promise not to wait so long to post again. *sigh* So much for that.
My birthday was last week... July 4th. I'm 15 now. Got my permit and everything. I can't believe summer's almost over. I really don't want to go back to school. But I'm hoping this year will be better... going to a new school, new teachers and everything. Yeah... EHS has to be better than CJHS... it simply has to be.
In exactly one week, on July 19th, I'm going to see Rascal Flatts and Taylor Swift in concert for Cheyenne Frontier Days. I must say, I'm incredibly excited. I've been listening to Rascal Flatts since they first started out... if I had to pick one band as my favorite, it would be them. I've been waiting practically my whole life to see them in concert and now they're finally here. It should be fun to see Taylor Swift as well... I even have backstage passes to meet her. Courtesy of my radio host dad. I wanted backstage passes to meet RF but, of course, with my dad being who he is, misunderstood/ignored what I was requesting and got two tickets to see the show. By the time he finally realized his mistake, the backstage passes for RF were all gone. So I can only meet TS. But it'll still be fun... she is famous, after all.
I'm going to this concert with Lexie, again. Which is actually very interesting because it's the one year anniversary of the day we went to see Corbin Bleu in Denver. I think we've subconciously made a tradition out of this...
I actually just got back from the movie theatre. Went and saw Journey to the Center of the Earth, starring Brendan Fraser ((yummy! *wink*)). And guess who I saw the movie with? LEXIE! Ha. She is, after all, my best friend. Anywho, the movie was rather good. I was surprised. And now, appropriately, I am questioning the existence of the center of the earth... can it be reached? Is it magical like in the movie? Where can I get one of those glowing birds?
I was on MySpace earlier today and saw a bulletin posted by Ryan ((the one from Young Americans... again, yummy! hehe)). He was telling everyone about how NBC's gonna have this new show called The Great American Beauty. Apparently, they're trying to find the most beautiful girl in America. I'm guessing it's sort of like a Miss America pageant. Anywho, auditions for the show are July 20th in Omaha, Nebraska. ((btw. Omaha's basically a hop, skip and a jump away from me)) I emailed all the info to my mom, asking her to check it all out and get back to me on what she thought. I'd actually like to do that... redeem myself after the Miss Teen Wyoming pageant, I suppose. Plus, it wouldn't be bad to be on TV. And the "huge cash prize" for the winner wouldn't hurt either.
Idk what else to say here... Idk if anybody's even reading this. Maybe I'm just talking to myself... bril. *rolls eyes*
But no matter. Somebody will stumble upon this blog someday and perhaps they'll be bored enough to read what I have to say. Maybe I'll be interesting to them. Maybe they'll relate to me... who knows? I sure don't.
Anyway. I guess I should go. I'm done for now. But I promise, I'll be back. Soon. And I mean it this time!
xoxo, kelsi.
PS. My friend Eva started a blog site about Lucas Grabeel, Ashley Tisdale and Miley Cyrus... to keep people updated on the 3 stars' upcoming projects. She asked me to help her run the site and I agreed to... so, if you get the chance, go check it out. Leave comments... check back often for updated info. I'd really appreciate it and I know Eva would too. =D The link is:
http://lucashmil.blogspot.com
Friday, July 11, 2008
Thursday, January 31, 2008
To Choose...
I love writing poems... this one's titled "To Choose".
I could tell somebody.
I could blurt it out at any point in time.
But that would leave room for judging...
should I just admit it to the world?
I've already admitted to myself.
Choices.
I could tell them all.
I could say what I did.
But that'd make them hand out labels.
Should I just tell them what I regret?
I've not done it since then... does that mean they still need to know?
Choosing.
Do I only need to admit it to select people?
Do I only need to tell certain ones what I've done?
Now many will accept either one.
Will I lose friends?
Very few will approve of either one.
Will they hate me?
I doubt anybody will understand...
Will they think of me in a different way?
I'm all for being yourself,
being honest.
But what happens when you can't take your own advice?
What do when you're scared to?
Worst of all...
how do you choose when your mind and your heart cannot agree on the decision you should make?
Oh, it's a terrifying thing...
to choose.
by kelsi lynelle.
I could tell somebody.
I could blurt it out at any point in time.
But that would leave room for judging...
should I just admit it to the world?
I've already admitted to myself.
Choices.
I could tell them all.
I could say what I did.
But that'd make them hand out labels.
Should I just tell them what I regret?
I've not done it since then... does that mean they still need to know?
Choosing.
Do I only need to admit it to select people?
Do I only need to tell certain ones what I've done?
Now many will accept either one.
Will I lose friends?
Very few will approve of either one.
Will they hate me?
I doubt anybody will understand...
Will they think of me in a different way?
I'm all for being yourself,
being honest.
But what happens when you can't take your own advice?
What do when you're scared to?
Worst of all...
how do you choose when your mind and your heart cannot agree on the decision you should make?
Oh, it's a terrifying thing...
to choose.
by kelsi lynelle.
"Flowers on my Grave", a poem
"Flowers on my Grave"
When we first met,
I recall just what you said.
You promised that you'd be there,
you swore you'd do whatever.
I remember you saying,
you'd buy me flowers, chocolates, all my heart desired.
And you'd never leave, you're staying.
Forever is what you promised me,
but I just could not believe.
Turns out, I was wrong...
you stayed so long.
But forever came to an end.
It was over too soon, my lover... my friend.
And now I recall,
all the things that I said.
"You promised that you'd be there,
said you'd do whatever.
You said you'd stay forever,
well now that's fulfilled.
And I ask for one last thing...
I must face this terrible fate,
not even by love's grace can I be saved.
I know now what my heart desires...
will you simply promise to lay flowers down,
upon my grave?"
by kelsi lynelle.
When we first met,
I recall just what you said.
You promised that you'd be there,
you swore you'd do whatever.
I remember you saying,
you'd buy me flowers, chocolates, all my heart desired.
And you'd never leave, you're staying.
Forever is what you promised me,
but I just could not believe.
Turns out, I was wrong...
you stayed so long.
But forever came to an end.
It was over too soon, my lover... my friend.
And now I recall,
all the things that I said.
"You promised that you'd be there,
said you'd do whatever.
You said you'd stay forever,
well now that's fulfilled.
And I ask for one last thing...
I must face this terrible fate,
not even by love's grace can I be saved.
I know now what my heart desires...
will you simply promise to lay flowers down,
upon my grave?"
by kelsi lynelle.
Cold.
Fire burns.
Sun warms.
Heat comforts.
Embraces heal.
I wish I could feel the heat,
no warmth breaks through to me.
Why? Why am I cold?
No matter my attempts,
I fail and fail each time.
Darkness closes in on me.
The cold has frozen every part of who I once was.
All I've left is this empty shell.
"You're not 'happy-go-lucky' anymore,"
I've heard voices say.
It doesn't bother me that they say it,
not as much as knowing that it's true.
Ice freezes.
Darkness cools.
Cold frightens.
Hate grows.
There are moments,
rare yet not unheard of,
when a warmth begins.
A small part of me feels the heat,
and it grows.
But when it overwhelms me,
I feel as though life is "okay"
and then it's snatched away...
as quickly as it came.
My heart is cold,
my head numbed from this hypothermic state.
Denial, anger, hate, pain, questions.
Acceptance, joy, love, healing, answers.
Cold and warm cannot survive amongst each other.
So the internal battle rages on.
The winner: undecided. Unknown.
But currently... I'm cold.
by kelsi lynelle.
Sun warms.
Heat comforts.
Embraces heal.
I wish I could feel the heat,
no warmth breaks through to me.
Why? Why am I cold?
No matter my attempts,
I fail and fail each time.
Darkness closes in on me.
The cold has frozen every part of who I once was.
All I've left is this empty shell.
"You're not 'happy-go-lucky' anymore,"
I've heard voices say.
It doesn't bother me that they say it,
not as much as knowing that it's true.
Ice freezes.
Darkness cools.
Cold frightens.
Hate grows.
There are moments,
rare yet not unheard of,
when a warmth begins.
A small part of me feels the heat,
and it grows.
But when it overwhelms me,
I feel as though life is "okay"
and then it's snatched away...
as quickly as it came.
My heart is cold,
my head numbed from this hypothermic state.
Denial, anger, hate, pain, questions.
Acceptance, joy, love, healing, answers.
Cold and warm cannot survive amongst each other.
So the internal battle rages on.
The winner: undecided. Unknown.
But currently... I'm cold.
by kelsi lynelle.
Shattered ((a poem))
My life is an ocean,
endless and daunting.
It's still, yet in motion,
and staring back... taunting.
Do I dive in?
Should I risk not knowing?
Sink or swim,
the future never showing.
Not clearly, at least.
My life is cloudy,
a storm raining down on only me.
The world surrounding,
obstructing view so I cannot see.
Shall I fight past the rain?
Tear through what I may be unable to face?
Is it better to risk the pain,
or play it safe, yet bask in shame?
Another unclear part of my shady life.
My world is cold.
Faces pass me, full of hate.
Nobody remembers things of old,
but I've heard, "It's never too late!".
Does that apply to all?
Perhaps to none.
Only to those who reach for help, as they fall?
Maybe only ones who plead when they're already done.
The world is cruel.
My world is shattered.
I am broken, more each day.
My dreams lie on teh ground, tattered.
I'm sick of living this way!
Ice forms on my cracked heart,
though the sun shines, I don't see that it could melt.
Faces of loved ones watch as I fall apart,
unkowingly contributing to the shredding of my fragile pelt.
I have no defenses.
by kelsi lynelle.
endless and daunting.
It's still, yet in motion,
and staring back... taunting.
Do I dive in?
Should I risk not knowing?
Sink or swim,
the future never showing.
Not clearly, at least.
My life is cloudy,
a storm raining down on only me.
The world surrounding,
obstructing view so I cannot see.
Shall I fight past the rain?
Tear through what I may be unable to face?
Is it better to risk the pain,
or play it safe, yet bask in shame?
Another unclear part of my shady life.
My world is cold.
Faces pass me, full of hate.
Nobody remembers things of old,
but I've heard, "It's never too late!".
Does that apply to all?
Perhaps to none.
Only to those who reach for help, as they fall?
Maybe only ones who plead when they're already done.
The world is cruel.
My world is shattered.
I am broken, more each day.
My dreams lie on teh ground, tattered.
I'm sick of living this way!
Ice forms on my cracked heart,
though the sun shines, I don't see that it could melt.
Faces of loved ones watch as I fall apart,
unkowingly contributing to the shredding of my fragile pelt.
I have no defenses.
by kelsi lynelle.
Bored.
I'm currently on the phone with my friend... and completely bored.
I've found nothing to do all day. So this is just depressing.
I have to go mop the floor now so I suppose I'll just disappear... spend my boredom off the computer.
See ya.
xoxo, kelsi
I've found nothing to do all day. So this is just depressing.
I have to go mop the floor now so I suppose I'll just disappear... spend my boredom off the computer.
See ya.
xoxo, kelsi
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
How I feel.
Life is basically a pain the neck.
I don't know what to do anymore... I focus on myself and making my own life good, and I hurt everyone else. I focus on other people and making sure they're okay, and I hurt myself. It's a lose-lose situation.
I'm ready to just give up... like I said in the bulletin I just posted: Maybe I should lock myself in my bedroom and stay there for the rest of my life.
I doubt anybody would care, anyway. I've already hurt most of the people I care about, in some way or another. And for the people I haven't hurt... well, maybe we just haven't noticed something I've done yet. Or it hasn't happened yet... I'm sure it will, with the way my life goes.
I've been reading this book, it's called The Secret. At first, I believed it and thought my life was gonna get better. But now I'm beginning to think maybe it's all a lie. Or maybe it's just me... maybe I repel all good things.
I'm tired of hurting people I care about... I'm tired of being afraid to do anything, of not knowing what to do anymore because everything I do backfires and has some negative effect, whether it's on me or the people around me.
I thought things were looking up... but they weren't. And even if they were, it was only for a little while, just to lull me into a false sense of security.
I think maybe I'll just go lay in my room, listening to music for a little while, staring at the ceiling. So I don't disrupt other people's lives any more than I already have...
House, M.D. is on tonight... it's my favorite show and I could honestly care less about watching it.
Singing is the most important thing in my life... and I don't want to sing right now... or any time soon even. That just goes to show that something's wrong with me.
I'd like to blame it on other people... on the world... on me being sick... but I can't. The only person I can blame is myself, for trusting others and for not knowing better.
So, to all my friends, I'm sorry for anything I've ever done to hurt you and I apologize if I ever hurt you in the future. I love you all for being my friends... even if you don't love me back, or even like me. It's okay, I understand, really I do.
I'm sorry.
I think I'm just gonna go now... so I don't bother you guys anymore. I feel horrible, in many different ways.
Maybe I'll go use my inhaler again, try to regain the ability to breathe.
Maybe I'll go take a nap, try to fight off this sickness.
Or maybe I'll just go take a shower and cry because I'm such a screw-up.
Well, whatever I decide to do... know that I love you guys and I'm sorry for anything I've ever done to you.
Oh, by the way... so much for positive thinking... seems like no matter how positive I am, negative things still happen. I hope positivity works better for you than it does for me.
Honestly? I hope everything is better for you than it is for me... cause right now, life's the pits.
xoxo, kelsi.
P.S. Today's the 29th of January... 17 days till mental breakdown. Be prepared. It's an A-Day... choir should be interesting.
P.P.S. I heard this saying recently... "You're not being punished. You just haven't been rewarded yet." If that's true... my reward must be a darn good one... and it sure is taking a long time to get here...
I don't know what to do anymore... I focus on myself and making my own life good, and I hurt everyone else. I focus on other people and making sure they're okay, and I hurt myself. It's a lose-lose situation.
I'm ready to just give up... like I said in the bulletin I just posted: Maybe I should lock myself in my bedroom and stay there for the rest of my life.
I doubt anybody would care, anyway. I've already hurt most of the people I care about, in some way or another. And for the people I haven't hurt... well, maybe we just haven't noticed something I've done yet. Or it hasn't happened yet... I'm sure it will, with the way my life goes.
I've been reading this book, it's called The Secret. At first, I believed it and thought my life was gonna get better. But now I'm beginning to think maybe it's all a lie. Or maybe it's just me... maybe I repel all good things.
I'm tired of hurting people I care about... I'm tired of being afraid to do anything, of not knowing what to do anymore because everything I do backfires and has some negative effect, whether it's on me or the people around me.
I thought things were looking up... but they weren't. And even if they were, it was only for a little while, just to lull me into a false sense of security.
I think maybe I'll just go lay in my room, listening to music for a little while, staring at the ceiling. So I don't disrupt other people's lives any more than I already have...
House, M.D. is on tonight... it's my favorite show and I could honestly care less about watching it.
Singing is the most important thing in my life... and I don't want to sing right now... or any time soon even. That just goes to show that something's wrong with me.
I'd like to blame it on other people... on the world... on me being sick... but I can't. The only person I can blame is myself, for trusting others and for not knowing better.
So, to all my friends, I'm sorry for anything I've ever done to hurt you and I apologize if I ever hurt you in the future. I love you all for being my friends... even if you don't love me back, or even like me. It's okay, I understand, really I do.
I'm sorry.
I think I'm just gonna go now... so I don't bother you guys anymore. I feel horrible, in many different ways.
Maybe I'll go use my inhaler again, try to regain the ability to breathe.
Maybe I'll go take a nap, try to fight off this sickness.
Or maybe I'll just go take a shower and cry because I'm such a screw-up.
Well, whatever I decide to do... know that I love you guys and I'm sorry for anything I've ever done to you.
Oh, by the way... so much for positive thinking... seems like no matter how positive I am, negative things still happen. I hope positivity works better for you than it does for me.
Honestly? I hope everything is better for you than it is for me... cause right now, life's the pits.
xoxo, kelsi.
P.S. Today's the 29th of January... 17 days till mental breakdown. Be prepared. It's an A-Day... choir should be interesting.
P.P.S. I heard this saying recently... "You're not being punished. You just haven't been rewarded yet." If that's true... my reward must be a darn good one... and it sure is taking a long time to get here...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)